


Six Degrees of Separation

by twelvepm



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Based on a song, M/M, but this is also my first actually published fic okay, don't hate me, i didn't mean to, it made me cry so be careful, it's sad, okay enjoy, she wanted a thing based on a song by The Script and I thought wHY NOT, this was written for a friend, yes there is suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-07
Updated: 2014-01-07
Packaged: 2018-01-07 20:50:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1124247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twelvepm/pseuds/twelvepm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis has lost Harry and he has to live through the coping process.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Six Degrees of Separation

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by the song Six Degrees of Separation by The Script, and written for Olivia. The time span is quite long and there are some flashbacks, just saying.

“There are many ways to cope with breakups. For this segment, we'd like to discuss the "six degrees of separation". It is a coping process that requires six steps.

First, you'll think that your broken heart will be the worst of it and that it can't get any worse.

Second, you'll realize that the agony is killing you and you want them back and will do anything to get them back.

And the third is when your world splits down the middle, because you know you'll never have them back.

Fourth is when you think you've fixed yourself and that you're over this person, even though you clearly aren't.

Fifth, you see them with someone new, and what you thought you'd fixed in the fourth degree, comes tumbling down.

And finally, the sixth degree. Here's when you finally accept that you screwed it up and that person is truly never coming back into your romantic life.

You do all of these things out of desperation and constant need to have that sense of love and affection back in your life. And it's normal to drive yourself crazy with wanting them back. But to truly move on from that person, you have to find closure and accept that there's no starting over. What's done has been done, and life must go on...”

"Louis, get up," Liam shouted, throwing a couch cushion at a still moping Louis who was watching a 'self-help' talk show that was discussing how to deal with breakups. Louis simply continued to watch the show, only making Liam more aggravated. Liam looked back at his very annoyingly sulky friend and decided there was no other choice. So he went over to the TV and turned it off.

"Liam! I was watching that!" Louis yelled back, reaching for the remote so he could turn it back on.

Liam snatched the remote out of his hand and placed it on a high shelf. "No. You are not turning that shit back on. Come on, Louis," he pleaded as he sat down on the coffee table in front of where Louis had been sitting. "You've read all the books, you've watched all the shows. When is it gonna be time for you to actually try out all of these 'moving on' tricks that you keep studying? I don't think watching countless hours of television or spending loads of money on useless books are gonna help you get over him."

Louis looked at Liam, angry with him for slighting his way of coping but mainly embarrassed that he could tell that he still wasn't past any of it. He knew deep down that Liam was right, but he didn't want to accept the fact that he was really "gone".

To Louis, he was never gone. Louis saw him every night in his dreams. Every morning in the frame on his nightstand. Every lunch hour when he'd look at his phone's wallpaper and see the picture of the night they stargazed on his roof together. He was everywhere.

He lost the sense of being able to tell if he wouldn't forget him, or if he simply couldn't. Louis had tried just about everything to get him out of his mind. Meditating daily, getting hypnotized, tarot cards to predict when the heartache would end, gems and stones to try and heal his soul. Everything. Nothing helped. It was useless getting the boy's curls out of his mind. The glimmering white smile. The deep green eyes. The way he'd throw on any random combination of clothing items and make it look amazing. His slow way of talking, and how literally even the simplest of sentences would sound so genuine and loving because of the way his mouth would shape the words. The way the younger boy's hands would wrap around Louis's thighs perfectly. And the way he smelled. Oh God, how could he ever forget his smell? He smelled like warmth and sunshine and old flannel shirts. Everything about him was perfect and magnificent and breath taking and beautiful and everything Louis could ever ask for.

But he was no longer in his arms. He was someplace else. Living his life. A life without Louis...

He was probably happy without him.

And here Louis was, hair a mess, still in 3 day old pajama bottoms, hugging a pillow, looking just like he felt: an emotional mess.

Liam could see the slight brim of tears forming in the small boy's eyes and his disciplinary face became a softer, worried one. He jumped forward and hugged Louis, rubbing his back and trying to comfort him.

"Please don't cry, Louis, please. You've cried enough, I hate when you cry," Liam cooed at the blue-eyed boy. But how could he just stop crying? The love of his life had left. He'd left and never came back. Never to be seen again.

And Louis was left alone and broken, never to be loved again.

•••

It had been several months now, and things were starting to look up for Louis. Sure, he was happy with a little extra help from drinking and smoking a few herbs or two with Zayn but he looked better.

He hadn't seen Niall since the breakup, fearing that seeing the love his life's best mate would only drive him crazier than he felt. So it was nice to see the dirty blonde-haired lad again, ready to catch up with one another over a few beers.

"Louis, mate! How ya been!? It's been ages!" Niall chirped as he opened his arms to hug Louis tightly and express just how much he'd missed him.

That was one thing you always missed about Niall. Whether it had been 10 minutes since you'd last seen him, or 10 months, he'll still greet you back just as openly as the first time you met him. It was so refreshing to be near him again. Someone so light-hearted and carefree was exactly what Louis needed on this gloomy English day.

"How have ya been holdin' up, since... well, you know...?" he asked, slightly lowering his cheery tone and looking over at Louis somberly.

"You know, Niall. I've been really good," Louis smiled back as he took another sip of his beer. "Sure, today would have marked our 6 year anniversary and it would have been the day I proposed, but hey! Who needs relationships, right? I have great friends and lots of beer, I'm fine!"

Niall looked into the older boy's eyes and smile, searching for a slight glimpse of sadness, and when he felt he hadn't seen any, he grinned back and raised his bottle, offering a toast to his friend's new and happier outlook on life. "I'm glad you're doing this well! You're supposed to have fun in life, Louis. Life is too short to spend sulking over another person."

And to that, they clinked beer bottles and drank away, talking about recent footie matches and their jobs. And for a while, Louis forgot he was even sad.

He forgot about the fact that every smile was painted and every laugh was forced out of him. He forgot about how he'd wake up every night in a cold sweat, only to reach over and feel no one there. He forgot how every day at exactly 2 AM, he would silently cry himself to sleep, watching the recording of Harry playing the song "Good Morning Sunshine" by Alex Day on his guitar as a present for Louis's on the morning of his birthday. The year that Harry had called Louis's "Golden Year", because he turned the same age as the day of his birth, 24. And plus, Harry claimed that Louis glowed just as brightly as the sun and that he was his only sunshine. They had only been dating for 4 years at that point.

But no. His heartache took a back seat and he forgot about it all. Because to Niall, Louis was better now than ever and his life was okay. He just had to keep up the mended attitude and hoped that his character would rub off on himself, the way it does to real actors when they've played a role for so long.

He was fixing himself, he truly was.

•••

"So what do you think? Do you think he'll be willing to go to Niall's big birthday party this year?" Zayn asked Liam in a hushed tone. They were both huddled together at the kitchen table, hoping that Louis wouldn't hear them.

"I don't know... I feel like he still isn't ready for that sort of scene yet..." Liam replied. You could practically hear his hand gestures and furrowed eyebrows as he worried over the fragile glass box that is his best friend. It made Louis's stomach churn when ever he'd hear Zayn and Liam have to make separate plans to hang out with Louis and to hang out with Harry because they were scared he'd relapse and his heart would break all over again.

"But Liam, it's been almost 3 years now, don't you think he should be over it by now? This is just really unhealthy. I mean, Harry seems fine, his life picked up less than a year after they ended it. He even dated a time or two! Lou should really think of doing the same."

"Wait... What?" Louis took a step back and grasped his stomach, feeling as though he'd had the breath kicked out of him repeatedly. "Harry's... over me?" he asked himself, not knowing whether to cry or scream. "No, we were supposed to get married. We were supposed to buy a house together. We were supposed to adopt a cute baby girl from another country and name her after one of Harry's favorite indie artists. We were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together..."

He didn't know when or how long it took, but Louis started screaming and kicking his legs, throwing a fit and crying out broken "I hate you"s and "You promised me forever"s to the empty air. He banged his head on the floor repeatedly and clawed at himself, hoping to feel what he felt on the inside, on the outside. Zayn and Liam ran over to him, and both boys tried to hold him down and would whisper soft "It'll be okay"s and "Just breathe in and out, Lou"s. But no matter how hard they forced him to stay still or how many times they tried to comfort him, he still screamed and cried louder than anything they could have said.

He didn't believe them. It wasn't going to be okay. Harry had left and he was never ever coming back to him. He left. He was fucking gone forever and he couldn't do anything about it.

•••

Louis was sprawled upon the couch once again, in the same pajama bottoms that he hadn't changed out of in a week, cup of tea in his hand and a blanket covering his lap, watching Titanic for the 15th time that day. He was back to where he had been 3 years ago; the week after Harry had just recently broken up with him.

It was the part when the Titanic had already started sinking and Rose was freaking out trying to free Jack, when Louis started to think back to the day before the breakup. Had he done anything to cause the fight? Or was it just bad timing?

He could remember the whole thing like as if it were yesterday.

It was a week before their 5-year anniversary and Louis and Harry had been on their way to the local café they both loved so much. The one where the waiters literally looked like penguins and the tablecloths had a beige floral pattern and the tea came in the sort of cups and plates that you'd find in a little girl's play kitchen. They were holding hands and chatting mindlessly about the weather and the film they had just gone to see at the cinema.

It was all such a lovely experience and Louis couldn't be any happier. But for some reason, Harry seemed a bit less talkative than usual. Knowing the lad had his bad days, he simply brushed it off as possibly being tired or a bit too self-reflective that day.

They were about to enter the shop when Harry stopped walking, leaving Louis slightly taken aback by the sudden halt in the motion of their swaying hands.

"Harry, babe, what's wrong?" he asked, turning around and attempting to take hold of both the younger boy's arms. Harry simply released himself from Louis's hold and backed away.

"I can't do this anymore, Louis. I've lost feelings for you and it's been killing me that I haven't had the guts to say it to you. You're a great person and all, but I just can't do this whole 'dating' thing anymore-" he interrupted himself by bringing his hands up to his messy curls and pulling at the roots, looking every bit as anxious and desperate as he probably felt. "I think we should go our separate ways. It has nothing to do with you, it's all my fault."

Louis didn't understand. How could the love of his life suddenly not love him back anymore? Was this a joke? He felt as though he'd stopped breathing and time stood still. His heart was having a hard time trying to decide on if it should begin to break, or beat once more.

"I'm sorry, Lou. These past few years were amazing, and I really did love you at one point..." he stopped himself, swallowing back his fear of hurting Louis. He had to end it. He had to be strong for himself. "I'm sorry, Lou, but I really need to leave..."

And with that, he'd kissed Louis's forehead gently and turned around. His body becoming smaller and smaller as he kept walking further and further away from him.

Now, when Louis looked back on that day, it wasn't really a "fight". Although it sure felt just as physically draining as one. And he didn't know why he referred to it as "the fight before the breakup". Maybe he was just angry with himself and thought that the irony in the way he calls it a fight, yet he didn't even bother to fight for Harry, was only there to make him feel worse. Remind himself that it was all his fault. That he could have fought for Harry and kept him, but he was too stupid to move.

He couldn't decide on what hurt the most about the situation. The fact that he didn’t have the courage to fight back or the fact that he had to fight to keep him at all. Louis had always thought their love would be eternal. No questions, no doubts. It was as normal as blinking, breathing, eating, drinking water. And it was also just as essential to his life as all of those things and many more.

But apparently Harry hadn’t felt the same undying love and selfless devotion that the older boy had. "That’s what I get for falling in love," Louis told himself.

Right. It was always Louis’s fault. He fucked it all up. How? He didn’t know. But he did it. It was all him. Harry was better off without an asshole like him.

•••

It's the day of Niall's party, and Louis had just showered and shaved and was now just fixing his hair and making sure it had the exact amount of messy fringe to neat fringe balanced out. He was just wearing a black tee shirt and blazer, his jeans folded up at the ankles and a sort of new pair of black Vans he had recently gotten. He was looking good and feeling slightly excited to see one of his best mates and be reunited with a lot of other friends he hadn't seen in years.

From the last time that he'd heard Zayn and Liam whispering about the invite list, Harry didn't seem like he was 100% sure about being there. Something about him being on vacation and promising Niall he'd take him out to a football match the moment he'd be back.

He was probably off in some romantic getaway hotel with one of his many stunning and overly romantic lovers. Louis missed Harry. He missed him a lot. But he knew it was in the past, and every day he was learning to accept that.

Once they'd all arrived at Niall's house, none other than the host himself and one of his famous grizzly hugs instantly greeted them. He passed around the few beers in his hands and laughed and exclaimed a very happy, "I'm glad all 3 of ya made it! Come in and enjoy the music!" And with that, Niall was off and back into the crowd in his backyard full of people dancing and laughing and having fun.

Louis really hadn't seen an atmosphere like this in a long time. He missed feeling carefree and partying his troubles away like he used to in college. It felt a bit relaxing and he felt himself walk out onto the patio and into the bouncing crowd of people, dancing around and feeling himself smile and laugh for the first time in years and truly mean it.

"See?" Zayn nudged Liam's elbow. "I told you a little party would be good for him. He looks happy!"

"Yeah, I guess he does," Liam replied with a soft smile. It was the first time that he'd seen his best mate happy since he and Harry had broken up. It was a great sight to see and he couldn't help but feel himself grow happier at the sight.

•••

It was around 1AM now, the party still going strong. Everybody was drunk and sweaty, but no one seemed to care. They were all enjoying themselves and having the time of their lives.

Louis had stepped out of the crowd a while ago and he had been talking with a few old friends from college and catching up. Niall was even introducing Louis to a few other friends he'd met at work.

At one point, all of the beers that Louis had drunk hit him and he really had to go find a quiet place where he could calm down. So he excused himself and made his way upstairs to Niall's bathroom.

On his way there, he noticed a light coming from one of the bedrooms. The curiosity got the best of him and he decided to go inside. He expected to find a flirty couple making out but he didn't.

He found Harry, sitting on the edge of Niall's bed, cigarette in hand and beer in another.

He had been every bit as beautiful as the day he left him, if not more. He still wore those ripped up skinny jeans and he still seemed to love wearing boots. He wore a ripped up white tee shirt layered with a red flannel and jean shirt over it. Plus a white bandana with some sort of black chevron patterned on it. He was gorgeous. He looked vibrant and his eyes were an even brighter shade of green than he remembered.

"Louis...hi," Louis thought he'd never hear his voice again. The only times he would hear his voice would be when he'd replay all of the voicemails and videos they had together. There was something different about his voice. He seemed more grown up. It definitely wasn't the voice he had when he was 24. Even if he was only 27 now. His facial hair had grown more rugged and his jaw looked even more defined now. He was a full fledged man now.

"Hey," was the only word Louis could manage to choke out. He thought he'd gotten over Harry, why was the simple sight of him making him lose every inch of sanity he'd managed to gain back?

"So, um, how have you been?" he asked, putting the beer down and scratching his head a bit. He felt nervous too, Louis could tell.

"You know. I've been good. Working, hanging out with friends. All that stuff... And you?"

"I've been pretty good too, been doing a lot of traveling lately. The world is a beautiful place, you know."

He didn't know why, but being in the same room as Harry Styles made him tense up and his thoughts were a mess and everything he'd ever believed was thrown out the window because all he could focus on was the gorgeous boy in front of him and how much he wished he could just cup his face in his hands and kiss him and feel alright again.

No, Louis, you're supposed to be over him, he thought to himself. You can't go back to those days... Just act casual, pretend that life's been great and you didn't even miss him.

And so he did just so. He went over to sit down next to the younger boy they talked and talked for what seemed like hours. Harry told him about all the great places he'd visited and Louis would always reply with some witty remark about a small detail he didn't like. They laughed and talked like as if the last 3 years had never happened. Finally, it was 4AM and Harry got a text.

"I'm sorry, Lou. It was really great catching up but I really need to leave," said Harry, with an expression that didn't look as sorry as he made it out to be.

Louis didn't know why, but the mention of those words brought back a flush of tears and he was back to the day of the fight. When Harry had said those exact words and then walked out moments later.

He couldn't stop crying and Harry didn't know what to do, so he simply hugged Louis and rubbed his back, trying to help him to stop. "What? Why are you crying, Lou? Was it something I said?"

"What you just said to me... Those were the exact same words you had said to me before you..." Louis was stopped mid sentence, realizing he hadn’t been breathing and starting to heave. He couldn’t say the last two words. "Before you left me…" He couldn’t say it. It broke his insides and his entire body felt like he’d been thrown directly into a strong fire. Everything burned and he forgot how to act like a human being for a small moment. Every normal habitual thing you’re born with (blinking, breathing, telling your heart to keep beating) stopped for what seemed like hours to him. He was doubled over, clutching his entire body in an attempt to stop himself from physically breaking apart the way his heart was doing.

“Louis, please breathe,” he could feel Harry’s big hands rub his back, in an attempt to calm him down. But it wasn’t helping. Those weren’t signs of worry or sympathy. It was pity. Louis was a complete mess without him and it was pathetic. It was pathetic of him to have considered taking him back, no hesitation. Harry would never want him back. He was off fucking men with amazing accents in breath taking views that most people can only dream of ever witnessing through their own eyes. Why would he ever need Louis?

“…Why did you stop?” he managed to choke out between sputters and small fits of tears.

“Why did I stop what, Lou?”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about, don’t act so fucking stupid,” his tone was bitter with the sting of fresh heartbreak and broken sobbing. He’d never been this mean to Harry. Even when they would fight, he would never directly insult him. It was the one thing he could never be mean to him about. "Harry and I may not be in good standing, but I’m not going to insult him," he’d tell himself. He used to fucking worship him. He was his reason for waking up in the morning. And he was angry over just how big of a part he let Harry take of him. He was no longer whole. Harry held over half of his whole being, and he just threw it away. That other half to Louis never did grow back, he’d been living as a half for too long.

“I fell in love with someone else, Louis. We had been drifting apart for so many months then. What used to be special became ordinary. I no longer felt like your reason to be. And I felt I deserved someone who treated me better. Someone who would actually bother to introduce me to their parents, especially after all those years. But someone else did. And I stuck to them. I didn’t mean for this to happen, it’s just one of life’s obstacles. Just like every person has their perfect other half, every person also has their perfect fake other half. The one they believe is their one and only, even though it isn’t. And that’s what I realized you were to me. So I made a decision. After months of restless nights and even talking to Gemma about it on a daily basis. I finally decided that I had to get back out there and find the person who was my true other half. I couldn’t pretend to love you anymore, Louis. I’m so sorry it turned out this way. I never meant to hurt someone as amazing as you. And I truly hope that one day you also find your perfect person, and I hope they treat you like the prize that you are. And I hope you treat them just as wonderfully as they’ll hopefully treat you. I wish I could have done something, but I couldn’t,” Harry looked down at Louis, who was lying on the floor, still clutching himself as though it were the only way to keep himself together. His tears had never stopped and his sobs were just as loud as they were when he started crying. The arm that wasn’t desperately clinging onto his own body was used to cover his eyes, because it hurt too much to look at Harry as he said all of that. He was his one and only and he had just told him that he wasn’t his.

“I’m so sorry, Lou, I truly am,” and with that, Harry kissed the crying boy’s forehead and got up. To walk away. Just like he had done so many years ago.

And so Louis was left alone all over again, cradling himself and crying over the boy who had single-handedly ruined his life and everything he ever believed in. All the progress he’d made the past 3 years went straight out the window.

Louis was left with his already broken heart, pummeled into nothing but dust. Never capable of anything. His soul was now long gone, leaving yet another empty hole inside of him. Because the only something that meant everything to him, died and withered away, with no hopes of ever coming back.

So he planned to do the same as he dug through Niall’s closet and pointed the gun at himself.

"If I can’t have him, then there’s no use," he whispered to himself through choked out sobs, as he pulled the trigger.

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first fic that I've felt was good enough to publish, so yeah! Tell me if you like it, I'm open to criticism :) my twitter is @midnightcitylou if you wanna request anything or tell me anything personally lol


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